Being An Adult Is Hard

I’m sure you can all agree with my above statement and if not… then please tell me your secrets so I can be living the good life too! I would love to live one of those picture perfect lives where everything you do and stuff is instagram worthy and make sit look like its all so effortless but, apparently, I’m not graced with that (though from what I’ve read not a lot of people are even of those who make it seem like they are).

So I not only just got diagnosed with Lyme disease recently (something my doctor is pretty sure I’ve actually been struggling with for a while without knowing it – something that is very common) but I have also gotten a job! I am ecstatic at having some income and a reason to leave my house every now and again. However, there is one thing that I am slowly learning that I sorta wish I’d already known and that is that I am just not built for retail.

Now I want to make this very clear: I have the utmost respect for those who actually work retail because it is not an easy job.

Now I want to delve more into why I can’t do retail and why I’m coming to terms with that as being okay and not something I need to force myself into. To start I want to explain the reason why I can’t do retail, which is really quite simple. I can physically do all the things that the job requires of me, that part isn’t the problem, but when it comes to dealing with that many people for 4 to 8 hours a day (depending on the length of my shift) I can’t cope with it. This part of the work is so mentally and emotionally draining that I basically become a bit of a walking zombie by the end of even a 4 hour shift.

Now you might be asking why is that and I’ll happily answer that for you. The simplest answer is that I am introvert and have really bad anxiety on top of that. Let’s break that down and talk about each reason on its own.

We’ll talk first about the introvert part. I have a feeling a lot of you know what an introvert is and why someone who is in this class of personalities might not make such a good retail worker. Being an introvert means that one gains their energy from time spent in a more solitary setting doing something calming rather then gaining energy through shared experiences with groups of friends. It does not mean that I do not like to socialize but that I prefer to do it on my own terms with small numbers of people who I know and feel comfortable around. Though even with those people I consider friends I can still get overwhelmed and I certainly still need time on my own to recharge my battery. Basically the fact that I have to deal with a large number of people who I don’t know every day working in a cafe means that I am very quickly drained of my energy reserves since I am required to be an extrovert at work. That on its own is quite tiring but not enough to be utterly draining.

Now add to the natural introvert nature the anxiety and you start to see why it becomes something that is so overwhelming. I am not currently taking medication for my anxiety (though my therapist has recommended it but my own personal issues with taking lots of meds are sort of getting in the way) and I don’t really have any coping mechanism in place to deal with it either. This means that I spend pretty much my entire work day panicking about things that haven’t happened and generally aren’t really likely to happen. I panic that I’m going to mess up someone’s drink horribly and they’ll be angry or that I’ll take too long and they’ll be upset. Its all these little things that build on each other in such a way that even writing this is making my chest feel tight, making breathing difficult, and giving me jitters and I’m not even at work right now.

It is this combination of things that results in a draining of every ounce of energy that I would prefer to be putting into writing (something that requires a lot of emotion for me to do well). I end my day wanting nothing more then to curl up on my own couch and just lay there. The most I do in the evenings when I work is read or play with my dog because he’s adorable and demanding. It takes me multiple days off in a row to recover even a fraction of that energy and by then I’m back to work again. I realize this is an unsustainable cycle in the long run because it will, inevitably, lead to me not writing anything at all which defeats my life goal of becoming a writer.

This job will eventually eat away at all my free time just as the previous retail job I had did and I’ll wind up miserable again and yet I get myself into this situation again and again. I want to work and make money. I want to be able to go in and do my job every day and still write in the evenings. I want to be a normal(ish) member of society who can do their job without it being detrimental to my mental and physical well being. These are all things I am desperately trying to grasp at while making sure I’m not doing myself the grave disservice of forcing myself into a situation where I have to pick work or my love and desire to write stories that touch people’s souls. It is a struggle and I don’t know how to win because the ‘responsible’ adult in me says to forgo writing for now in favor of having a stable job even if it means I’m exhausted and emotionally drained outside of work because that’s what everyone expects and wants of me. But on the other hand the dream in me says to screw work and go all in for that perfect life I dream about, the one where I can create and make things on a daily basis and not worry about money. These two aspects of my being are so fundamentally different that I don’t know how to reconcile them.

My entire being and soul yearns to be creative and make beautiful things that people can admire and that make them feel something but my mind reminds me to be practical and says I don’t have the skill or resources to make that a viable possibility. I want to reject my current reality in favor of the one I wish to create but the fear of failing and being without the resources to live are a crippling weight that I do not know how to shake off.

Maybe some day I will look back on this time in my life and see the path I’ve taken has lead me to where I want to be… but I fear I’ll look back and realize this was the moment of me giving up all those dreams.

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Eh…. Just Another Day (And an epic movie)

So I’ve been a little MIA here and that’s a problem. Mostly I’ve been going through some things that, well, have left me with little desire to write. I almost got a job but now I’ve not heard from them and that’s sad since I wanted it. I also haven’t gotten a different job though I’ve been offered pet sitting and accepted it so at least I have some money coming in. I also wound up applying to Galvanize for web design classes and I’m looking forward to that.

Really mostly my motivation has been an issue. I’ve been sad and upset and generally just not interested in a lot of the things that usually make he happy so I wound up delving into the world of books and letting myself get lost in them. It was a good break but not a kind one to my blog. I gotta keep writing and all that so that I don’t just let it slide again and again like I used to.

Well enough of my moping because I have other things to talk about… particularly Spider-Man: Homecoming! Yet another Marvel movie and frankly a damned good one! It was amusing with enough serious points in it to really showcase a full range of life for a teenaged superhero. From beginning to end it was well worth the money to see it in theaters (something I don’t often think) and I already want to see it again!!

Of late I’ve realized that I do not much care for most movies out in theaters. There are one or two that I would consider paying to see but most I’m either entirely not interested in or would prefer to wait until I don’t have to pay to see it. Its been a weird change since I used to go to movies a lot before. Still, I find that Marvel movies are always something I’m at the very least interested enough to see in a theater and usually opening weekend. I think there’s just something about seeing the way they’re building an entire universe (or really universes) with each addition that I really like. And yet, at the same time, each story really is its own story. Or at least each person’s movies have been their own story line and don’t have to have all the other movies to make sense. Frankly its amazing and I can’t wait to see how it goes from here!

Bad Guy Or Good Guy

“I would say I’m a good person but that’s a lie. I’ve hurt a lot of people and only some of them were guilty while a majority were innocent. I did it because I believed in my cause, in what my superiors told me to do. I believed in what they told me was right and wrong. I was a good little soldier, a weapon for the cause, until the day the cause died. In the seconds after it happened I didn’t believe it, couldn’t believe it really, but I wasn’t given a lot of choice. My reality was forever changed in the span of moments in which the real heros showed me I was wrong, that I had been on the wrong side all along.

Since then I’ve been trying to rebuild, to find something I can cling to in order to prove I’m not the monster I ended up being. But it’s hard to convince a world that has seen you murder in cold blood that you aren’t that person any more… maybe it’s time for a new world then, where I can make an entirely new start.”

 

This actually came to me as a dream which made it really weird. In the dream I was at once this person and yet also a distant observer watching things unfolding as they went along. It all centered around this one person who had such good intentions and truly believed that those around them shared their views and wanted to make the world a better place. They were so devoted and dedicated to their cause that they allowed that to cloud their judgment and wound up doing things that were not what the “good guys” would do.

It all came to an end when the “true heroes” came in and killed the leader of this persons group and exposed their evil plans to rule the world and bring ruin to it. And then it shifted and it became all about how those people who worked under the “evil ruler” had to figure out how to pick up the pieces and make some sort of life for themselves. There were always too many to really all be brought to justice not to mention many never did bad things or did bad things because they were forced to and if the “heroes” killed them all then they’d be no better then the “evil ruler”, right?

So this was a little start at my attempt to figure out what would happen then and I’m not sure where it’s going. It could easily go into something of this person becoming the next “evil ruler” but could also go into them finding a way to leave their world for someplace else to do good there or something else entirely. I think I’ll keep mulling this over and work further on it as its still an idea I really like.