Why Jobs? Why?

So I’m currently unemployed and looking for work! (Yay?) Anyway, its been a fun roller coaster ride of trying to figure out what I can do that won’t leave me a sniffling anxiety ridden mess at the end of the day. Obviously some things are easier then others and all that (not to mention everyone’s anxiety is different).

For me I’ve found that certain jobs are just way to stress inducing. This includes things like cashiering and receptionist work. I think part of it tends to be the high costumer interaction coupled with the high load of different things I have to do at the same time. Receptionists answer phones, make appointments, sort mail, greet people coming in, and general like a billion other things that require high amounts of social interaction which drains me like nothing else and also makes my anxiety go through the roof. And cashiering is pretty similar to that if at least involving a few less things but often more people.

That being said there are some situations I think I could make it work in but those generally have to do with a company or product I’m highly invested in. Say if I was selling books at the very least I adore books and reading so I feel like I could possibly handle that better. Or maybe things with animals because, again, that’s something I enjoy and can talk to people about without feeling entirely like an idiot in the deep end.

Over the last two days I was supposed to get a call from a job that I was excited for and really hoping to get but I didn’t get that call. Now, whether that was an oversight or what I don’t yet know, but I do know it was a killer blow to my self esteem and an additional stress point. I’m still sorta hoping they’ll call me tomorrow and say the job is mine but we’ll see.

Either way I have some good people around me who mean well but at times aren’t entirely helpful. For one my parents (who I adore and who support me no matter what) have certainly been pushing me to get a job and I understand where they are coming from. But at times this additional exterior stress is only harmful. In the end it makes me feel like even more of a failure when I can’t get a job or manage to deal with the job I did get (it was cashiering and even training made me come home and cry).

Others are friends who, again, mean well and want to help me. They keep suggesting a receptionist job at an optometrists that they have an in with and look at me weirdly when I decline but apply for other things. I know they mean well and just want to help me, to make things easier for me in getting a job, but its one that I know I couldn’t do for long before it would wear me down to a bare thread and leave me with no energy or motivation. I’m just not good at getting up every day and going in to a job that requires me to talk constantly to costumers while inputting information and keeping track of a million other tiny things. The very idea of it makes my hands shake and fills my stomach with dread. It makes my chest hurt and my brain whirl with too many thoughts of all the things that could go wrong.

It all comes back to anxiety and how it influences my day to day living. It creeps up when I least expect or want it, consuming my thoughts and making me second guess everything. Its frequently the reason I cannot leave my house some days or why I break down crying over seemingly inconsequential things. Its a constant force in the back of my brain that drains my energy and makes me view everything as a matter of utmost importance… and thus even the tiniest failure become overwhelming matters in which I’ve obviously ruined everything and thus I’m a horrible person and unlovable.

There are times when I know this comes between me and not only healthy living for me but all my healthy relationships. There are times when I wish that I could transfer the way I feel to other people in my life so they could understand for just a day or even just an hour but I’d never really wish this on anyone else. Still, I find it nearly impossible to fully explain why some things are okay and others are not okay. There just aren’t the right words to explain exactly what I go through on a daily basis and certainly not when I’m having a larger anxiety attack. Of course its probably also that everyone who deals with this goes through things differently and experiences things differently. No one can really say what another feels and that’s something I try to keep in mind every day of my life.

Again I’ve gone a lot deeper into this then I really meant to. I’d honestly just meant to post a light lighthearted thing about how annoy and terrible the job market can be and it devolved into me talking about anxiety and trying to make others understand it. I think I’m done for the night though because now I’m second guessing posting this which isn’t helpful or good. So now I’m going to post this before I can stop myself and just get it out there.

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Awkward Small Talk – First Draft

Eulalia had purposefully picked a table in the corner that allowed her to face the rest of the room while having two walls behind her. No one could come up behind her and startle her and she could easily see anyone heading her way and attempt to avoid conversation by ducking behind her computer and pretending she was busy. It was a good coping mechanism with not wanting to talk to most people or at least that was Eulalia’s opinion on the matter.

She’d finally gotten herself engrossed with the show she was catching up on when she reached out to pick up her chai tea and realized it was empty. That was enough to bring her attention out of the show and back to reality. She let out a little annoyed sigh and stood, jerking her headphones out of her ears with a wince as she did so. She looked around, her cheeks already flushing with embarrassment, to see if anyone had noticed. A few people were looking at her and she quickly averted her gaze, hastily trying to get her headphones coiled on top of her laptop. After a few moments of struggle she just left them where they were and made her way back into line at the counter. The little cafe was busy but mostly with people just grabbing their order and going so she didn’t feel too worried about leaving her stuff. Not to mention it was within her line of sight the entire time anyway.

She was focusing on the board trying to memorize her order so she wouldn’t stutter over it and get it wrong again when she heard her name called from behind her. The sound practically caused her to jump out of her skin as she turned with wide eyes to look behind her. She could already feel her heart both sinking and galloping a mile a minute, neither of which was an enjoyable feeling. The voice was masculine and slightly familiar but the face, when she saw it, brought a blank to her mind.

“Ah yes?” The words came out more as a question then she meant it to, which made her cringe. She was still groping for a name and bringing up nothing. She knew this guy was a friend of her brother’s that she’d been introduced to one or maybe two times before but that was all she was getting.

“It’s good to see you again!” Mister Nameless came up towards her with arms outstretched. If Eulalia could have she’d have stepped back up she was frozen to the spot and wound up giving the guy an awkward one armed hugged.

“Oh, um, you too?” Oh god there she went again speaking in questions instead of sentences, she really needed to stop doing that. At least she hadn’t stuttered just yet! That was a blessing from whatever god was watching over her right then.

“How have you been?” Mister Nameless was beaming at her as if nothing was wrong and somehow that made it worse. Could he tell she didn’t recognize him and was gloating about it? Was he going to tell her brother about how awkward she was later? Her brain was certainly working perfectly if in a negative spiral of anxiety even if her mouth seemed almost glued shut.

“Oh, you know good.” Ah, that time she managed to make it a statement and not a question. She paused and god was she pausing too long? Before she realized it was probably polite to ask in return even though she wanted to turn away instead. “So, how about you?” And wasn’t that just the worst having to come up with a way to ask the same question that wasn’t just a parroted repeat of the way the other had asked it first? If it wasn’t then she didn’t know what possibly could be.

“Well I’ve been out of the state for the last few weeks visiting with family, you know how it goes.” Mister Nameless started prattling on and Eulalia could feel her palms growing sweaty. He was still talking but Eulalia had accidentally tuned him out and, with a guilty start, dragged her brain back to focusing just in time for the next dreaded question. “How has school been going?”

She gulped and for a moment forgot what her major even was much less how class had been going. “Oh, school?” Why had she said that? She sounded like an idiot. “It’s, uh, been good. I’m almost done. You?” Why did she just ask you with no context? That had to be confusing and she dropped her gaze quickly to avoid the strange look she knew Mister Nameless had to be giving her.

And now he was laughing and she had to physically stop herself from cringing because that couldn’t be good, right? He had to be laughing at her and what she’d said. She barely managed to peek up at his face before her eyes riveted themselves to the floor again. “If you mean how school is going for me,” Mister Nameless said, and was that a mocking tone in his voice or just condescending? “Well I graduated a year ago so I’ve been out of that loop for a while. Finals getting to your brain Eulalia?”

“Ah, yes… that must be it,” she mumbled, inching forward in line. She was almost desperate now to get to give her order and scurry back to the safety of her table. “So, um, how was the weather for your trip?” That was an appropriate question to ask someone who’d just recently been on a trip, right? Or was she supposed to ask about what he’d done? She never could rightly remember.

“Good, good.” Mister Nameless waved a hand to indicate that the last person in front of them in line had already moved off. “Why don’t you let me treat you and we can chat a bit more?” He gave her a bright smile and again her brain told her that he had to be relishing in her awkwardness to be smiling at her because what other reason could there be?

“S-sure.” She managed to mumble out even though she desperately wanted to shout the word no and make a break for it. She turned to the barista and managed to mumble out her order after a few tries. She stepped back while Mister Nameless ordered and paid, dreading when he’d turn around.

Oh god, was this ever going to end?

Thoughts Of The Day

So today was an interesting day for random thoughts, which is somewhat fitting because it was a very rainy day so I spent a lot of the day inside. Not that I mind being out in the rain but generally speaking I don’t much care to be out in the rain all that much. It did make for a very pretty view with the mountains shrouded in clouds to the point where you couldn’t see their peaks. Either way I enjoyed the rain quite nicely from inside where I was warm and cozy on the couch with the dogs.

One of the biggest things I wound up thinking about actually wound up giving my friend an idea for thesis (which would be her fourth idea!). Anyway, the basic idea behind it came out of a little realization I had. I realized that most people my age (in their twenties) that I know really enjoy many of the TV shows that are currently meant for children. Shows like Steven Universe and Adventure Time. These shows are really enjoyable and part of that is because they have such meaning and character growth. Over the seasons we get to slowly know these characters and see them develop more. They’re also generally talking about good life lessons and tackling serious issues. The characters seem really interesting and they all seem to grow quite a lot throughout the show with episodes focusing on them and whatnot.

I look back on a lot of the cartoons that I remember from my childhood and I don’t really remember seeing that all that much. Sure there were small moments here and there when cartoons from our childhood tackled something major or whatnot but its not nearly so consistent or long term as it is now. Maybe that’s just me not remembering those moments as much and being more focused on the current ones that I click with better but it just seems like current cartoons are so much more focused on talking about and tackling the larger issues in life. (Apparently my boyfriend doesn’t agree with this but, hey, that’s life cause not everyone always agrees.)

I also wound up having a long discussion with the roommate about where in the kitchen certain things should be kept. With a house full of people who are allergic to food in general (I may be exaggerating there a little bit) its sometimes nice to have things sorted so we don’t have to check ingredients before we grab something to eat. Either way we wound up putting a lot of things in different places and reorganizing. Now we just have to wait for my boyfriend to get home and freak out over trying to find things.

And now I’m rounding out my evening by watching New Girl and basically hiding under a blanket the whole time. I’m really bad with shows that are heavy on the embarrassment aspect of things so this show is basically my kryptonite… But there was one line in a recent episode that sorta struck me as amazing. The line was “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words”. There was something about it that just made me and my boyfriend look at each other and laugh for probably five minutes straight.

I kept thinking about it as we were watching other episodes (ones that were making me hide under blankets again because god I really can’t handle embarrassment even on a TV screen) and I finally realized why it struck me… as someone who is dyslexic I sometimes feel exactly like that. The words only come because I’ve memorized them and how they should be not because I really know them or how they’re formed. Maybe that’s why I love words so much but generally hate learning languages. Once I’ve memorized them I can do so much with them but the memorizing part was terribly difficult to begin with and trying to do it with any other language is more then my poor brain can handle.

Anyway I should sign off for the night before my fuddled brain also becomes muddled.