There are days when I just don’t even really know what words are and that’s really annoying. Its not the dyslexia that causes it, though that does make words generally difficult and bothersome on a regular basis, but rather something else. Some part of my brain just sort of refuses to allow words to connect into a coherent sentence or thought. They become these foreign things that take on a life of their own.
On these days the words themselves morph into sentient beasts that refuse to be tamed or often times even to be found. I cannot remember common things are such as forks (obviously a dinglehopper) or spoon. I’ll start some sentence with an idea of where I want it to go but halfway through it takes a sharp 180 and I no longer know where to go but only where I came from. At such times I tend to wind up repeating the start of the sentence again while gesticulating wildly as if that will get my meaning across. Not that wild arm waving and gesturing in a direction actually is all that clear to anyone else.
There’s just something about the words that eludes me in the most frustrating way possible. They are all there on the tip of my tongue or hiding in the dark corners of my mind where they are just barely out of sight. I can feel them tauntingly close as I want to speak them but my tongue cannot form them and my fingers hesitate over the keys. I become entangled in my own inability to articulate to others what I mean or what I want to say.
On these days I find I wind up saying things that I don’t mean if only because I can’t figure out how to say the things I do. And my writing becomes convoluted and circular in a bad way (if you can believe that!). More then once I’ve went to go read back through what I’ve written on such days only to cringe and delete the entire thing for the simple fact that it has gone nowhere and barely makes sense.
I often wonder if other authors, would be authors, and people in general ever experience such days. If not perhaps it really is something to do with my dyslexia but that just doesn’t feel right. Maybe its just my brain denying the truth because I refuse to let it come down to that one little fact that has defined so much of my life yet again. I don’t want to think that everything I do or am is somehow connected to something I was born with and that I could very well pass on to any future children I choose to have because its a part of my DNA. I want there to be parts of my life that don’t revolve around the fact that my brain isn’t wired to work in the “normal” standard manner. I think that’s a bit of a failing on my own part. I should accept and embrace that my dyslexia has so shaped and formed my life that I get to think and see things the way I do. I know for sure that my view point is unique unto me because of my experiences in life and so many of those experiences have been shaped and caused by the dyslexia. Nothing drove this home more for me then mathematical proofs in High School (if you remember these then you’re either cringing in utter horror or grinning in delight). With mathematical proofs you were supposed to be from point A to point D in precise planned out steps in exact order or it didn’t count. It didn’t matter that my answers were always right because the way I got to them was not the “correct” set of steps. It didn’t matter that my way was shorter because I made intuitive leaps that were considered “wrong” by the standards set by some guy (or girl) who was probably no longer alive. It was glaringly obvious then that my brain decided to go about figuring problems out from a different point of view and with a different set of guidelines then what society considers “normal” and “right”.
This has become a lot deeper then I really meant it to. I’d just meant to comment on how some days I just can’t words and it amuses myself and my friends but then I just let it go. I suppose that’s really what this blog is for in the end. I wanted a place that I could share my writing and my thoughts so this still applies. These are my own thoughts that I am sharing with you now. So, again, what even are words? If you know please do enlighten me.