What Even Are Words?

There are days when I just don’t even really know what words are and that’s really annoying. Its not the dyslexia that causes it, though that does make words generally difficult and bothersome on a regular basis, but rather something else. Some part of my brain just sort of refuses to allow words to connect into a coherent sentence or thought. They become these foreign things that take on a life of their own.

On these days the words themselves morph into sentient beasts that refuse to be tamed or often times even to be found. I cannot remember common things are such as forks (obviously a dinglehopper) or spoon. I’ll start some sentence with an idea of where I want it to go but halfway through it takes a sharp 180 and I no longer know where to go but only where I came from. At such times I tend to wind up repeating the start of the sentence again while gesticulating wildly as if that will get my meaning across. Not that wild arm waving and gesturing in a direction actually is all that clear to anyone else.

There’s just something about the words that eludes me in the most frustrating way possible. They are all there on the tip of my tongue or hiding in the dark corners of my mind where they are just barely out of sight. I can feel them tauntingly close as I want to speak them but my tongue cannot form them and my fingers hesitate over the keys. I become entangled in my own inability to articulate to others what I mean or what I want to say.

On these days I find I wind up saying things that I don’t mean if only because I can’t figure out how to say the things I do. And my writing becomes convoluted and circular in a bad way (if you can believe that!). More then once I’ve went to go read back through what I’ve written on such days only to cringe and delete the entire thing for the simple fact that it has gone nowhere and barely makes sense.

I often wonder if other authors, would be authors, and people in general ever experience such days. If not perhaps it really is something to do with my dyslexia but that just doesn’t feel right. Maybe its just my brain denying the truth because I refuse to let it come down to that one little fact that has defined so much of my life yet again. I don’t want to think that everything I do or am is somehow connected to something I was born with and that I could very well pass on to any future children I choose to have because its a part of my DNA. I want there to be parts of my life that don’t revolve around the fact that my brain isn’t wired to work in the “normal” standard manner. I think that’s a bit of a failing on my own part. I should accept and embrace that my dyslexia has so shaped and formed my life that I get to think and see things the way I do. I know for sure that my view point is unique unto me because of my experiences in life and so many of those experiences have been shaped and caused by the dyslexia. Nothing drove this home more for me then mathematical proofs in High School (if you remember these then you’re either cringing in utter horror or grinning in delight). With mathematical proofs you were supposed to be from point A to point D in precise planned out steps in exact order or it didn’t count. It didn’t matter that my answers were always right because the way I got to them was not the “correct” set of steps. It didn’t matter that my way was shorter because I made intuitive leaps that were considered “wrong” by the standards set by some guy (or girl) who was probably no longer alive. It was glaringly obvious then that my brain decided to go about figuring problems out from a different point of view and with a different set of guidelines then what society considers “normal” and “right”.

This has become a lot deeper then I really meant it to. I’d just meant to comment on how some days I just can’t words and it amuses myself and my friends but then I just let it go. I suppose that’s really what this blog is for in the end. I wanted a place that I could share my writing and my thoughts so this still applies. These are my own thoughts that I am sharing with you now. So, again, what even are words? If you know please do enlighten me.

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Bad Guy Or Good Guy

“I would say I’m a good person but that’s a lie. I’ve hurt a lot of people and only some of them were guilty while a majority were innocent. I did it because I believed in my cause, in what my superiors told me to do. I believed in what they told me was right and wrong. I was a good little soldier, a weapon for the cause, until the day the cause died. In the seconds after it happened I didn’t believe it, couldn’t believe it really, but I wasn’t given a lot of choice. My reality was forever changed in the span of moments in which the real heros showed me I was wrong, that I had been on the wrong side all along.

Since then I’ve been trying to rebuild, to find something I can cling to in order to prove I’m not the monster I ended up being. But it’s hard to convince a world that has seen you murder in cold blood that you aren’t that person any more… maybe it’s time for a new world then, where I can make an entirely new start.”

 

This actually came to me as a dream which made it really weird. In the dream I was at once this person and yet also a distant observer watching things unfolding as they went along. It all centered around this one person who had such good intentions and truly believed that those around them shared their views and wanted to make the world a better place. They were so devoted and dedicated to their cause that they allowed that to cloud their judgment and wound up doing things that were not what the “good guys” would do.

It all came to an end when the “true heroes” came in and killed the leader of this persons group and exposed their evil plans to rule the world and bring ruin to it. And then it shifted and it became all about how those people who worked under the “evil ruler” had to figure out how to pick up the pieces and make some sort of life for themselves. There were always too many to really all be brought to justice not to mention many never did bad things or did bad things because they were forced to and if the “heroes” killed them all then they’d be no better then the “evil ruler”, right?

So this was a little start at my attempt to figure out what would happen then and I’m not sure where it’s going. It could easily go into something of this person becoming the next “evil ruler” but could also go into them finding a way to leave their world for someplace else to do good there or something else entirely. I think I’ll keep mulling this over and work further on it as its still an idea I really like.

Story Start To Story Snippet

(A while ago I posted a story start about Fay and people not remembering if they existed or not. Well I finally got a sort of interesting idea in my head for a start to something and it fit best with this idea. So I wound up writing it down at a Starbucks this weekend over an iced chai tea latte with soy milk – I’m lactose intolerant. Either way I wanted to share the progress of this and give you all a chance to see and critique what I came up with!)

 

Foreword

It is said that long ago the Fay and other such creatures retreated from this world. But the problem with long agos is that no human is alive who remembers them.

 

Chapter One

The stars winked in and out of view behind wisps of cloud that floated aimlessly across the sky. The only indication of their existence was the blacking out of the stars that they, themselves, caused. There was no moonlight to give a silver lining to the edges of those wisps and, in fact, there was no moon at all. It was one of those rare nights when it was a new moon that had drifted over the horizon early in the evening, brushed along the treetops, and dipped back out of view. And this far out into the uninhabited mountains there wasn’t any residual light from the settlements that lay on the plains below.

It was on nights like this when the shadows run the deepest that it was easy to trick the brain into believing that something was out in the woods moving among that near absolute blackness. It was always said that nights like this were the times when dreams were closest to our world, so close in fact that many said whatever one dreamed on a night like this would come to being in the darkness only to fade away with the morning light. Perhaps it truly was the dreams of those slumbering through this dark night that were causing the flickering movement in the shadows or perhaps it was something else entirely.

Vanja was inclined to believe that it was neither. Instead she preferred to believe that her tired eyes that were ill suited to seeing in the dark were simply mistaking the swaying of a branch or two for movement of something she could not name or properly see. Still, her eyes tracked those swaying motions deep in the shadows as she listened to the muttering taking place behind her.

Ideally the fire would have been lit way before this but heavy rains all evening had prevented them from getting that task done. Now Somerled was struggling with that while Mieke and Noelia were trying to cobble together some sort of dry patch for them all to sleep on for the night. It was Vanja’s job to keep an eye out for anything that might want to harm them, of which there was plenty that actually existed in the world. This forest was deep and old, made mostly of pines this far up into the mountains. The only good thing was that it was the height of summer and not the dead of winter. This was a two fold gift in that the weather, while rainy, was not below freezing even tonight and most of the predators around here had plenty of game far easier to hunt and catch then the four humans.

Weekend Camping

This last weekend my roommates, boyfriend, and I all got out of the house and decided to go camping in the Rockies! It was almost a perfect weekend for it. We did have a little rain and it was still pretty damn cold at night. However, it was still a great time and we had a lot of fun!

It was honestly really great just to get out and be in the wilderness again because sometimes you just need to take a break from everything else. It was only about a 48 hour period but it was still 48 hours with no phones, no internet, and no need to talk to anyone outside our group. It was a great time and I wanted to share some pictures with you all!

Really it was a great time and I am hoping we’ll get to go again soon! We all want to go back down to the Sand Dunes here in Colorado for a bit so we can sled down them. I’d also love to take them all camping in San Rafael Swell like I used to do as a kid. And of course we have the wonderful Rockies here in our backyard for quick weekend trips!

We wound up seeing a lot of hummingbirds flitting and diving about but not a lot of other creatures. I will admit though that my boyfriend had a run in with a black bear! He was out on his own hiking around the area not far from the camp and came upon the black bear. Thankfully he’s a big guy and knows what to do when he runs into a bear so he scared the black bear off.

Honestly its always great to get back to nature and makes me feel really good. I just feel more freed of worry and relaxed when I get a chance to go out and just be. I guess I live in a pretty good state to do that!

Anxiety Storm

Lately my anxiety has been really bad. Its been bad enough that its taking a serious toll on my energy and my mood. I feel so much stress over finding a job, doing my writing, and making it all balance out. Its so many things at once that I often feel like there is no way out of it all and that just makes it ten times worse. When I feel like I can’t see a way out of everything and that everything I do or touch is only going to have a negative outcome it becomes such a bigger problem then it really should be.

Its interesting how anxiety morphs like that. It can start from something so small like an offhand comment by someone or being late in responding to a call but it builds and builds on itself until its such a big dark storm of fear and panic that you feel like there can’t possibly be an escape. It becomes a prison of my own design and creation. And its a prison that I often can’t find my own way out of.

I’ve talked to others about it before and I get a lot of advice to just force myself to do the things that make me anxious or just deal with it because everyone gets a little anxious about things, right? But that’s not what this is. I’m not just a little nervous about a job interview or a phone call. I’m irrationally fearful of it and my brain explains every step of how its going to go wrong and how that’s going to lead me down a path where I wind up alone with nothing. Its a paralyzing fear that makes me short of breath, sweaty, and blanks out my brain.

I sometimes wish I could impose those feelings on the people I talk to for just a moment so they understand what I go through over and over again in a single day. If I could just show them then maybe they’d fully understand and not say the things that make matters worse. I am well aware that my anxiety is not rational but I can’t just step out of it and or flip a switch and make it stop. Its a long process that drains my energy because I fight it every day and often I lose to it. Lately I think I’ve lost to it a lot more then I’ve won against it and that’s a bit disheartening. I’m hoping its just a phase I’m going through and that in the long run it’ll turn around for me again but I suppose the only thing I can do for now is wait and see… and keep telling those I talk to what its like until they understand.

Garden Your Way Out of Stress

So I haven’t been posting at all lately and mostly that’s because my stress level has gone through the roof. When I’m feeling that stressed out its really hard for me to do anything much less write down my thoughts. Though someone pointed out that maybe I should write more to get my stress out (thank you therapist!). So now I’m considering doing that but for today I found a bit of a better way to get my stress out.

I’ve never been great with plants though I really wish I was. My mother has orchids that bloom every year and each year they seem to produce more and bigger flowers. For the life of me I don’t know how she does it though she claims its just regular watering and orchid food. I’ll be trying her theory but I’m not so sure its going to work. I’ll certainly keep you all updated on how well it goes.

Being that I live in an actual house now and not an apartment I have a yard. In fact I have a very nice front and back yard here in Boulder with grass (lots of dandelions) and even some really beautiful flower beds (that had quite a few weeds). I’ve been putting off weeding because I wasn’t really sure what was weeds and what wasn’t weeds. On top of that it felt like this insurmountable task just given how many weeds there were and how mixed in to everything else they were. It was insanely daunting to the point that I was almost tempted to just take everything out and start over but that was way to expensive and wasteful to do.

Either way my dad and roommate took me out into the garden today and showed me what to do. They showed me what was weed and what wasn’t, answered my questions when I had them, and helped me clean things out. I slowly found that it was actually really helpful in getting stress out. I just imagined the weeds as my problems and ruthlessly pulled them out which really made me feel much better! It, of course, didn’t fix any of my problems but it gave me a chance to work out some of that anxious tension and stressed out energy that makes things even harder to figure out.

Hopefully now that I have some of that gone I can focus on getting things done, getting some real rest, and also moving forward in a positive light in my life. I’ve got some ideas of ways to spend my time while I get a job (and it really is just a job for money and not a job for the love of the work) that should help me feel less stressed out every day. The pressure to get a job really has been a driving factor in my feeling constantly exhausted and overwhelmed. I want a job, I want to be making money, but I’m terrified of getting stuck into some job that I hate with no way out. I’m terrified of finding a job that leaves me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted at the end of the day to the point that I can’t write and express myself. Even writing this I can feel it writhing up again and threatening to choke me into taking whatever job I can get to make the money I need and just say fuck it to my life goal of writing a novel. But that’s not the way to react to this because it would just be going backwards and, like a shark, I refuse to do that.

Either way if you have some stress in your life to get out I suggest you find a patch of garden and start pulling weeds.

A Light Bulb Going Off

Writers block is a terrible thing that all writers have to deal with at one point or another. If someone who claims to be a writer tells you they’ve never had writers block then please send them in my direction because I would love to know their secrets! I have had a lot of writers block in my life and I’ve heard a million different ways of dealing with it.

The most frequent advice I have been given is to take a step back and go do something else while letting yourself think about it. Or, you know, not think about it because that might be better. Either way its usually advice saying that you need to step away from the problem and give myself time to let my thoughts figure themselves out.

Honestly this never really seems to work for me and I usually just get myself more confused and more blocked. It just never seemed to work for me and I just didn’t understand why. I thought I had to be doing it wrong or that I had to be mixing it up somehow because if everyone said it then it had to work, right? After all no one would be giving out advice if it didn’t work for them or work for someone, right?

Well I think its because it certainly works for some but not for everyone and I’m just not one of those people it works for. That really hit home today when I was googling random writing related quotes and found this one. I think I’m one of those people who needs to write through my thinking block and not think through my writing block. I think I’ve been looking at it wrong all this time because its not really writing block for me so much as its a thinking block. My brain is getting in the way of the story and I need to let it get all its words out of the way so it can get back on track.

So, here is my contribution for today and to all those other writers out there who aren’t finding the “just think through it” advice for writing block helpful. Hopefully you’ll find this advice as helpful as I have found it.