Hey guys. So I know I haven’t been as active as I said I would or as I should be but I promise there is a reason (even if I think its a pretty shit reason despite the fact others have told me otherwise).
If you’ve even looked at the title I am sure that you have some idea of what I am talking about. My life has become quite stressful over the last month. Or really its just come to an unbearable point in the last month since its always been stressful. As you’ve probably guessed I’ve got some bad social anxiety issues I’m dealing with but at the same time I’m trying to make a stable life for myself so I can afford things I need and want. This means I’m trying to get a job while also trying to figure out how best to handle my anxiety.
Anyway, that has basically forced me into a situation where I have a lot of anxiety going out trying to talk to people and then come home and have a lot of anxiety over the fact I have no job. This amount of anxiety is really only something one can deal with for so long before it breaks you a bit. And, well, I’ve reached that breaking point. I spent most of my weekend crying my eyes out and being overwhelmed with the fact that I, currently, can’t afford to even buy myself food with money that I can honestly say is mine but also that I can’t go to a job interview with nearly having a panic attack and coming home to curl up and hide. Not to mention there is also the worry over if I get the job and then fail miserably at it or wind up with no time to write or other things. Basically its a shit storm of proportions that I do not wish to fully consider.
So far I’ve managed to avoid thinking about it in entirety until this weekend when it really all came crashing down on my head. I’ve recently gone to an interview for a job I really would love to get but of course my own anxiety told me repeatedly this weekend that I wasn’t going to get it. I just couldn’t take it any more and spent a lot of time crying and being comforted by my boyfriend. Honestly he’s been a rock for me these last few days and I don’t know what I would have done without him. All this has combined to basically make me hide in my room most days or do things that aren’t writing. I have done some doodling and stuff so maybe I’ll add that to all this fun stuff but, yeah, sorry I haven’t been posting.
On top of that my therapist was very clear on the fact that I need to do some self care stuff. I need to focus on making me feel better and doing things like going to a chiropractor or a message therapist so that I can deal with my back pain. Or other things like getting out for walks more often and such all to better take care of myself. Over all I’m basically trying to focus on making sure I don’t drive myself to the breaking point under all this stress and wind up in the hospital for exhaustion.
So this is sort of an apology and sort of not because I keep apologizing for things I shouldn’t apologize for. And, well, taking care of myself first isn’t something I should apologize for but I should apologize for just ditching my duty to post here because I wanted to avoid all my responsibilities. So here is my half apology and hopefully I can win back some favor while I work on making sure I’m taking care of myself properly.